Dream Again

I’ve always been a dreamer. In fact, when I was in elementary school, my teachers’ main complaint was that I liked to daydream. When I was young, I dreamt about growing up, meeting the perfect man (a mix between Poncharello and Magnum P.I.) and having a house full of kids. And I was going to do all this by the time I was 23.

Dreams are good. But dreams don’t always happen the way we think they will. Parts of my dream came true. I did grow up and meet “the perfect man,” AKA Travis (although he’s more of a mix between Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell). But I didn’t meet him until I was 31 years old. We got married when I was 33, and we still haven’t had any children.

Like most newlyweds, we wanted to have some “us” time before we started a family, so we chose not to rush into having children right away. We really enjoyed our first two years of marriage. We traveled, went to baseball games, spent time with friends whenever we felt like it … we just did whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. In fact, I enjoyed our time together so much, I started thinking that maybe we shouldn’t have kids at all. Maybe we should just enjoy being together—just the two of us—for the rest of our lives.

As I contemplated the idea of not having any children, I began to think about this world and all the horrible things going on. I began to let fear and doubt fill my heart. In fact, for the first time in my life, my heart started hardening towards having children. Over the next several months, my feelings of fear grew, and without even discussing it with Travis, I decided for both of us that we wouldn’t have children. Besides, I was already in my mid-30s and in a career I loved. Why bother now? Why mess up a good thing?

Then things started to change … my heart started to change.

My sister-in-law got pregnant and had a baby. As I held her baby boy in my arms, my hardened heart began to melt … just a little. He was so precious and amazing. I just wanted to hold him forever. My dream of having children slowly started to come alive again. But I had let fear creep so far into my heart, it was holding me back.

Then in July of this year, I started having some physical problems. I went to the doctor, and after a series of tests, I found out I had a fibroid (benign tumor) the size of a baseball on my uterus, which made it impossible for me to have children without having it removed.

I felt shattered. Just when I had started to let my guard down … to dream again … fear took over. Sure, I may have “decided” for myself not to have kids, but at least it was my decision. Now the choice had been taken away from me. I no longer had an option. I was lost and confused. Scared and angry.

A few days after receiving the diagnosis, I went to a prayer meeting at Gateway. Pastor David Smith joined us for the prayer time, but he couldn’t stay long. In fact, he only had time to be there during my prayer time. I know God sent him to be there at that time, because he said some things to me that changed my life … my heart … forever. He reminded me that children are a gift from God, and that God only gives good gifts to His children. At that very moment, all of my doubt and fear faded away. Through tears, I prayed and asked God to forgive me for being fearful. I asked Him to give me hope, to give me healing … to give me children.

I decided to follow the treatment recommended by my doctor in hopes that my fibroid would shrink. After three months of intense treatment, I found out it had actually grown and I needed to have surgery immediately.

Once again, I felt broken and scared … afraid to dream.

As I shared the news with a friend, she reminded me that God wants us to dream. He gives us dreams and desires. And not only does He answer those dreams, but He goes beyond them! As I thought about this, I was reminded of the scripture in Ephesians: “God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!” (Ephesians 3:20). I began to feel my childhood dreams come alive again. I felt excitement as I began to think about the possibility of having children. And this time, I wasn’t fearful. I knew God was in control.

Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes things happen that don’t make a lot of sense. But one think I do know is that life is better when I trust God and allow Him to be in control.

My surgery was two weeks ago. And right now I’m believing that God can and will heal me. I believe He will give me children one day. And I believe He is going to give me more dreams. But this time, I’m going to believe they’ll come true … all in His time and in His way.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
Proverbs 16:9